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2 posts • Page 1 of 1
i need help fast! Okay so me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now and i have been dealing with his crazy enmeshed mother since we have been together. Im 21 and he is 20 and we both live with our parents. Just a little info about his mother..she was in a very unhappy marriage which leaded to a very messy divorce about 8 years ago and her and my boyfriend have lived together for 5 years now (she also have a older daughter that lives on her own). So lets back track to when we started dating 2 years ago...i would go over to his house to hang out with him and his mother would come home from work and my boyfriend would immediately jump up and run to the door to greet his mom with a hug, i always thought that was kind of strange seeing as i never do that when my parents come home(btw i DO have a very good relationship with my parents) and they see each other all the time so i didnt understand why he needed to greet her as if she had been gone for a week. I never really thought anything of it though. Whenever i would stay over and wake up in the morning my boyfriend would come and get me (at that time his mother would not allow us to sleep in the same bed) and we would go into the living room and chat with her for hours at a time, instead of me and my boyfriend hanging out it would be us 3 hanging out. Again, i never really thought anything of it, i just thought it was strange and they were really close. I should also point out that his mother does not dislike me or hate me, in fact, she loves me and always wants to chat and hang out with me. About a year ago i started to not be able to handle his mother, she never leaves us alone, she treats us like kids especially my boyfriend, she is always trying to chat and hang out with us, she always needs to know what were doing and where were going. My boyfriend even needs to text her whenever he gets to his destination and when he leaves his destination, and gets upset if she doesnt know what were doing and if we go somewhere far and she doesnt know about it. She gets upset if my boyfriend tells her to go away (she likes to guilt trip him) and then he will feel bad and try to make it up to her. There is no privacy, no boundaries. His mother never leaves the house, doesnt seem to have friends and chooses not to date ( i personally think its because my boyfriend already fulfills that for her). She has taught him that he needs approval before he does anything, goes somewhere or even buys something. She has admitted to me that when she got divorced, she felt guilty and thats why she baby's him and gives him everything he wants, she also told me that she is not an angry parent and will not and has not yelled at her kids ever and doesnt get mad at them. She also said that the therapist told her that giving your child everything they want out of guilt does not help them, and did she listen? Obviously not. I feel like a little kid going over to his place because his mother is always around us and we get no privacy. My boyfriend is also very dependent on her, if he needs anything he will ask her, if he needs help he will always ask her (instead of me if im over) and she is always right there to get him anything he needs, she always jumps at the chance to help him and she is always offering to help and clean up after him. I know that she likes the fact that he depends on her still. Its hard to watch because my parents have raised me to be extremely independent, and i am so happy because i can do anything on my own, and watching him and his mother is cringe worthy. My boyfriend does not know how to be independent and his mom likes that. She also always needs to hug and kiss him when he leaves somewhere, gets back from somewhere and even when he wakes up in the morning. She will also say weird things like once we were all in the kitchen and he gave his mom a hug and then he gave me a hug and his mom was like "hey thats a longer hug then i got!" Followed by a "oh im just kidding!" Sure, you're "just kidding". And if he sees his mom and doesnt give her a hug she will be like "wheres my hug?!" She very clingy to him and he is very clingy to her. Ive been doing a lot of researching about enmeshment and was excited when i found info on it and different articles about it. My boyfriend doesnt seem to be bothered my his mom always around us and what not, im assuming its because he is used to it. Oh and im his first girlfriend btw so i think its still new to him and his mom. I have never talked to him about this and how it bothers me because im scared because he is so close to her and hes protective of her, ive been so scared to say how i feel or that im fed up with this. Ive been tolerating her for too long now and its time to set boundaries. I cannot tolerate her anymore, whenever i come over im stressed out ( i have severe anxiety btw and panic very easily) so whenever shes around i get angry and my heart is beating out of my chest and my anxiety is through the roof. I dont want to be around her, im starting to suffer and im never clam, all i want is privacy and boundaries. So, with that being said, how do i talk to him about this? What should i say? What should i not say? And what points should i get across to make him really understand? Thank you!!! Ps. Please understand that him and his mothers relationship is not normal or healthy, if you are a parent that is enmeshed with your child or has a co dependent relationship with your child please do not comment. Also, the reason we do not usually stay at my place is because we live 45 mins away from each other, i live in the suburbs and he lives in the city and we like to go out and our friends live close to him so thats why we dont usually stay at my house. Thanks!
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